Guide to smoking with parents
This guide discusses some popular methods to smoke in your room without one's parents finding out. It's for everyone who is legally using 420chan as an adult, but still lives with their parents. They are common practice by minors as well, though.
 Eliminate the parents!
Wait for the parents to fall asleep or leave the house for over an hour. Remember, the smell can stick around for a long time, this all varies on what you are smoking, whether it be hash, kief, or bud and the method you use to smoke. Hash and kief generally smells less than bud; pipes and bongs will smell a lot less than joints or blunts, because joints/blunts are constantly burning, even when you're not hitting them.
 Before smoking
- Fill a toilet paper roll with tissue to exhale your smoke into the tube.
- Using a pipe/bong will decrease the smell. DO NOT smoke joints or blunts! The perfect device for indoor smoking is a vaporizer!
- Vaporizers = no smoke, and much less smell, and no lighter flicking noise you get from pipes/bongs. The true ninja! Vaporizers don't smell quite like burning cannabis, as none is burned, but it does have a peculiar sort of smell that will raise questions. Don't opt out using these other tips just because you're using a vape, a vape doesn't make you bullet-proof.
- Invest in a one-hitter (bat) and a dugout. Cheap, concealable, and conserves weed.
- Keep some cool water nearby in case you start coughing like a bitch, and for cottonmouth.
- To avoid the 'I'm obviously stoned fridge raid', grab some munchies to eat for later.
- Keep eyedrops and Febreeze handy in case of an unexpected knock on the door.
- Eyedrops also work if you put them in before hand. This is the best way, as you get it out of the way, your eyes never get red, and you don't have to worry about forgetting to do so when you're stoned.
- Keep all your shit together so if somebody walks in, you can quickly shove it out of sight.
Location, Location, Location
- DON'T SMOKE IN A SHARED OR COMMONLY-USED ROOM. PERIOD.
- Slipping outside is ideal. If you can't slip outside, use a personal room (bathroom, bedroom, or unused guest room).
An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.
- Close and lock your door! You can put a towel at the bottom to prevent drought, or cover up some of the smell. Just make sure the towel is not visible from the other side of the door, and also make sure you don't get so high that you forget it's there and leave it for your parents to discover. A towel just randomly lying next to a door is highly suspicious.
- Open a window if you can. Exhaling out of a window is ideal.
- If no other available options, acquire a large blanket and put it over you and tuck it in underneath you. Leave just enough room to move around. Toke up underneath; it's a mini hotbox and if you just chill there and bask in it for a while you get way higher and the smell of smoke settles. Afterwards spray said blanket with Febreeze as well as yourself with some kind of not-overpowering cologne.
- Note: The smell of weed likes fabrics. If you do this often without washing the sheet you use, it WILL become very stinky.
- Put on a hoodie or a shirt that can be easily changed afterward.
- Turn up the heat. That way, the smoke will go out of the window more quickly.
- If smoking in a bathroom which has a window, turn on the shower and steam up the room, then open the window. The water vapor will neutralize the smell. Turn the fan on. All this sound will also help mask noise.
- Smoking bud tends to leave more of a smell than hash or kief in general, but it's also worth being wary of the differences between different bud. Some strains are smellier than others, and generally sticky or damp weed tends to give off a stronger smell than properly dried weed. If you have a choice in the matter, it might be worth taking this into account when purchasing.
 During smoking
- Smoke underneath the covers of your bed. You hotbox and there's no smell as long as you're holding the covers down. However, don't do this if you want to get super high or if you're smoking joints/blunts; bedsheets are flammable. Smoking in bed has caused house fires before.
- Best options:
- If your bathroom/shower has a fan, turn it on and smoke there (works even better if you can stand on something to get closer to the fan). Afterward, take a nice, hot shower. The steam will push the smoke to the fan, and the smell of soap/shampoo will help to mask the smell of your weed.
- Blow your smoke through a sploof.
- Blow the smoke out your window.
- Blow your smoke through a fan that's pointed out the window.
- If your parents are cool with tobacco, smoke a cigarette.
- Light some incense. (Bonus: Incense smells really nice when you're stoned.)
- Warning : If you do not use incense on a regular basis, your parents might find this suspicious. You should use incense on a regular basis anyway, though, because it reduces stress levels, which can increase lifespan.
- Rather than constantly clicking your lighter to get a flame, light a candle and just press down on the gas button of your lighter (close to and pointed at the flame obviously).
- Silence invites suspicion. Make some sort of casual noise like turning on the tv or putting on music.
- Don't make too much noise if your parents are asleep!
- If you have a one hitter, you finish a bowl, and blow the smoke into the toilet while flushing. All the smoke will get flushed away. (if not properly done the smoke could linger in the toilet, leading to a smell similar to bong water left in your shitter).
- The power of the bathroom cannot be stressed enough. Following smoking with an epic shit followed by "I wouldn't go in there for 10 minutes if I were you", a long hot shower with lots of nice smelling goodness or both can totally almost remove all risk of smell.
 After smoking
- Hide your stash, pipes, bongs, lighters, etc. immediately after you're done! When you have the opportunity to do so without being caught, you should clean out your pieces. After awhile, the inherent smelliness of your paraphernalia can make a room continue to smell even when you haven't smoked anything.
- Febreeze and incense can do miracles.
- If you want to enter the big leagues, buy a can of ozium. Ozium will actually eliminate the smell of weed, rather than merely masking it while it naturally disperses and wanes. Ozium has a strange smell itself, but after 2 or 3 minutes of spraying it, both smells will be effectively gone.
- If you cannot get your hands on Febreeze, a spray-bottle mixture of fabric softener and water in a 1:9 ratio can suffice.
- Wash your hands, face, and brush your teeth. Chewing gum also works.
- Change your shirt.
- Unless you're hotboxing, the smell will be gone after an hour. 30 minutes and the smell will already be weak enough to go pretty much undetected. The thought of the smell of smoked marijuana lingering for 2 hours is absurd.
- Eye drops can help against red eyes. Go Rohto or go home.
- Cook bacon or popcorn or anything smelly.
- Learn how to look sober while you're stoned. When you are stoned in a comfortable place (parents out for the weekend etc) then look in a mirror and practise looking sober. Remember what you are doing with your face and repeat it when you need to.
- If all else fails and you get caught smoking/being stoned...
 In case of being caught
- Don't panic. Remain calm.
- Be honest, admit you smoke weed. Lying may get you into more trouble.
- First, ride the wave. When you're first found out, your folks will likely not be willing to have a serious talk with you about this. It will be more of a knee-jerk reaction. Once they've calmed down, you can have a discussion with them.
- Have some very good arguments prepared as to why you smoke weed.
- Talk about school / grades
- Explain to them that it does not affect your grades, it may even improve them (Only attempt this if it is factual in your circumstance. If your grades have dropped significantly while smoking, don't try this one).
- Don't try to pass your grades off as an excuse but more as a reason that it shouldn't be regarded as a big deal.
- OR, if your parents would react unreasonably, deny, deny, DENY. Don't "recognize" the peculiar smell; help them investigate the source.
 Actually smoking WITH your parents
- Be in a cosy dark place
- Get them a little liquored up
- Ask your parents how they met
- Take out a spliff or preloaded pipe
- Light it up without saying anything, and...
- Pass it to the motherfucking left
- Did it work?
- Yes: AWESOME
- No: OH SHI--
- plan B: talk 'em into it.
Anyone who tries this better damn well be sure they can pull it off or they are retarded. no matter how drunk most parents won't be fooled.
 Your Parents Probably Smoke Too
- That smell emanating from your mom's bathroom your entire life? Oh yeah, that's some schwag and hairspray. Get her some better connections for a special Stoner Achievement.